The Confessions Of Saint Augustine
Book IX
Chapter I -He praises God, the author of safety, and Jesus Christ, the redeemer, acknowledging his own wickedness.
O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy
handmaid: Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the
sacrifice of Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, let all my
bones say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say, and answer Thou
me, and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. Who am I, and what am I?
What evil have not been either my deeds, or if not my deeds, my words,
or if not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, are good and merciful,
and Thy right hand had respect unto the depth of my death, and from the
bottom of my heart emptied that abyss of corruption. And this Thy whole
gift was, to nill what I willed, and to will what Thou willedst. But
where through all those years, and out of what low and deep recess was
my free-will called forth in a moment, whereby to submit my neck to Thy
easy yoke, and my shoulders unto Thy light burden, O Christ Jesus, my
Helper and my Redeemer? How sweet did it at once become to me, to want
the sweetnesses of those toys! and what I feared to be parted from, was
now a joy to part with. For Thou didst cast them forth from me, Thou
true and highest sweetness. Thou castest them forth, and for them
enteredst in Thyself, sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh
and blood; brighter than all light, but more hidden than all depths,
higher than all honour, but not to the high in their own conceits. Now
was my soul free from the biting cares of canvassing and getting, and
weltering in filth, and scratching off the itch of lust. And my infant
tongue spake freely to Thee, my brightness, and my riches, and my
health, the Lord my God.
Chapter II -As his lungs were affected, he meditates withdrawing himself from public favour.
And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to
withdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour: that
the young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying
dotages and law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms for
their madness. And very seasonably, it now wanted but very few days
unto the Vacation of the Vintage, and I resolved to endure them, then
in a regular way to take my leave, and having been purchased by Thee,
no more to return for sale. Our purpose then was known to Thee; but to
men, other than our own friends, was it not known. For we had agreed
among ourselves not to let it out abroad to any: although to us, now
ascending from the valley of tears, and singing that song of degrees,
Thou hadst given sharp arrows, and destroying coals against the subtle
tongue, which as though advising for us, would thwart, and would out of
love devour us, as it doth its meat.
Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy
words as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy
servants, whom for black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive,
being piled together in the receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and
burned up that our heavy torpor, that we should not sink down to the
abyss; and they fired us so vehemently, that all the blasts of subtle
tongues from gainsayers might only inflame us the more fiercely, not
extinguish us. Nevertheless, because for Thy Name's sake which Thou
hast hallowed throughout the earth, this our vow and purpose might also
find some to commend it, it seemed like ostentation not to wait for the
vacation now so near, but to quit beforehand a public profession, which
was before the eyes of all; so that all looking on this act of mine,
and observing how near was the time of vintage which I wished to
anticipate, would talk much of me, as if I had desired to appear some
great one. And what end had it served me, that people should repute and
dispute upon my purpose, and that our good should be evil spoken of.
Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs
began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to breathe
deeply with difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to show that they
were injured, and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking; this had
troubled me, for it almost constrained me of necessity to lay down that
burden of teaching, or, if I could be cured and recover, at least to
intermit it. But when the full wish for leisure, that I might see how
that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was fixed, in me; my God, Thou
knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had this secondary, and that no
feigned, excuse, which might something moderate the offence taken by
those who, for their sons' sake, wished me never to have the freedom of
Thy sons. Full then of such joy, I endured till that interval of time
were run; it may have been some twenty days, yet they were endured
manfully; endured, for the covetousness which aforetime bore a part of
this heavy business, had left me, and I remained alone, and had been
overwhelmed, had not patience taken its place. Perchance, some of Thy
servants, my brethren, may say that I sinned in this, that with a heart
fully set on Thy service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the
chair of lies. Nor would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most
merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, with my other most
horrible and deadly sins, in the holy water?
Chapter III -He retires to the villa of his friend Verecundus, who was not yet a Christian, and refers to his conversion and death, as well as that of Nebridius.
Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness, for that
being held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound, he saw
that he should be severed from us. For himself was not yet a Christian,
his wife one of the faithful; and yet hereby, more rigidly than by any
other chain, was he let and hindered from the journey which we had now
essayed. For he would not, he said, be a Christian on any other terms
than on those he could not. However, he offered us courteously to
remain at his country-house so long as we should stay there. Thou, O
Lord, shalt reward him in the resurrection of the just, seeing Thou
hast already given him the lot of the righteous. For although, in our
absence, being now at Rome, he was seized with bodily sickness, and
therein being made a Christian, and one of the faithful, he departed
this life; yet hadst Thou mercy not on him only, but on us also: lest
remembering the exceeding kindness of our friend towards us, yet unable
to number him among Thy flock, we should be agonised with intolerable
sorrow. Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are Thine: Thy suggestions and
consolations tell us, Faithful in promises, Thou now requitest
Verecundus for his country-house of Cassiacum, where from the fever of
the world we reposed in Thee, with the eternal freshness of Thy
Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins upon earth, in that
rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk, Thine own mountain.
He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For although he
also, not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of that most
pernicious error, believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom: yet
emerging thence, he believed as we did; not as yet endued with any
Sacraments of Thy Church, but a most ardent searcher out of truth.
Whom, not long after our conversion and regeneration by Thy Baptism,
being also a faithful member of the Church Catholic, and serving Thee
in perfect chastity and continence amongst his people in Africa, his
whole house having through him first been made Christian, didst Thou
release from the flesh; and now he lives in Abraham's bosom. Whatever
that be, which is signified by that bosom, there lives my Nebridius, my
sweet friend, and Thy child, O Lord, adopted of a freed man: there he
liveth. For what other place is there for such a soul? There he liveth,
whereof he asked much of me, a poor inexperienced man. Now lays he not
his ear to my mouth, but his spiritual mouth unto Thy fountain, and
drinketh as much as he can receive, wisdom in proportion to his thirst,
endlessly happy. Nor do I think that he is so inebriated therewith, as
to forget me; seeing Thou, Lord, Whom he drinketh, art mindful of us.
So were we then, comforting Verecundus, who sorrowed, as far as
friendship permitted, that our conversion was of such sort; and
exhorting him to become faithful, according to his measure, namely, of
a married estate; and awaiting Nebridius to follow us, which, being so
near, he was all but doing: and so, lo! those days rolled by at length;
for long and many they seemed, for the love I bare to the easeful
liberty, that I might sing to Thee, from my inmost marrow, My heart
hath said unto Thee, I have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord, will I
seek.
Chapter IV -In the country he gives his attention to literature, and explain the Fourth Psalm in connection with the happy conversion of Alypius. He is troubled with toothache.
Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of my Rhetoric
Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And it was done.
Thou didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before rescued my heart.
And I blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all mine to the villa.
What I there did in writing, which was now enlisted in Thy service,
though still, in this breathing-time as it were, panting from the
school of pride, my books may witness, as well what I debated with
others, as what with myself alone, before Thee: what with Nebridius,
who was absent, my Epistles bear witness. And when shall I have time to
rehearse all Thy great benefits towards us at that time, especially
when hasting on to yet greater mercies? For my remembrance recalls me,
and pleasant is it to me, O Lord, to confess to Thee, by what inward
goads Thou tamedst me; and how Thou hast evened me, lowering the
mountains and hills of my high imaginations, straightening my
crookedness, and smoothing my rough ways; and how Thou also subduedst
the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the name of Thy Only Begotten,
our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which he would not at first
vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings. For rather would he have
them savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools, which the Lord hath now
broken down, than of the wholesome herbs of the Church, the antidote
against serpents.
Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms
of David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which allow of
no swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in Thy real love,
resting in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my mother cleaving to
us, in female garb with masculine faith, with the tranquillity of age,
motherly love, Christian piety! Oh, what accents did I utter unto Thee
in those Psalms, and how was I by them kindled towards Thee, and on
fire to rehearse them, if possible, through the whole world, against
the pride of mankind! And yet they are sung through the whole world,
nor can any hide himself from Thy heat. With what vehement and bitter
sorrow was I angered at the Manichees! and again I pitied them, for
they knew not those Sacraments, those medicines, and were mad against
the antidote which might have recovered them of their madness. How I
would they had then been somewhere near me, and without my knowing that
they were there, could have beheld my countenance, and heard my words,
when I read the fourth Psalm in that time of my rest, and how that
Psalm wrought upon me: When I called, the God of my righteousness heard
me; in tribulation Thou enlargedst me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and
hear my prayer. Would that what I uttered on these words, they could
hear, without my knowing whether they heard, lest they should think I
spake it for their sakes! Because in truth neither should I speak the
same things, nor in the same way, if I perceived that they heard and
saw me; nor if I spake them would they so receive them, as when I spake
by and for myself before Thee, out of the natural feelings of my soul.
I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing in
Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice,
when Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long
slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? For I had
loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst already
magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at
Thy right hand, whence from on high He should send His promise, the
Comforter, the Spirit of truth. And He had already sent Him, but I knew
it not; He had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising again
from the dead, and ascending into heaven. For till then, the Spirit was
not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. And the prophet
cries out, How long, slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek
after leasing? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified His Holy One. He
cries out, How long? He cries out, Know this: and I so long, not
knowing, loved vanity, and sought after leasing: and therefore I heard
and trembled, because it was spoken unto such as I remembered myself to
have been. For in those phantoms which I had held for truths, was there
vanity and leasing; and I spake aloud many things earnestly and
forcibly, in the bitterness of my remembrance. Which would they had
heard, who yet love vanity and seek after leasing! They would perchance
have been troubled, and have vomited it up; and Thou wouldest hear them
when they cried unto Thee; for by a true death in the flesh did He die
for us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for us.
I further read, Be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O my God,
who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that I might
not sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not
another nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me, as they say
who are not angry at themselves, and treasure up wrath against the day
of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy just judgment. Nor were my good
things now without, nor sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly
sun; for they that would have joy from without soon become vain, and
waste themselves on the things seen and temporal, and in their famished
thoughts do lick their very shadows. Oh that they were wearied out with
their famine, and said, Who will show us good things? And we would say,
and they hear, The light of Thy countenance is sealed upon us. For we
are not that light which enlighteneth every man, but we are enlightened
by Thee; that having been sometimes darkness, we may be light in Thee.
Oh that they could see the eternal Internal, which having tasted, I was
grieved that I could not show It them, so long as they brought me their
heart in their eyes roving abroad from Thee, while they said, Who will
show us good things? For there, where I was angry within myself in my
chamber, where I was inwardly pricked, where I had sacrificed, slaying
my old man and commencing the purpose of a new life, putting my trust
in Thee,--there hadst Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and hadst put
gladness in my heart. And I cried out, as I read this outwardly,
finding it inwardly. Nor would I be multiplied with worldly goods;
wasting away time, and wasted by time; whereas I had in Thy eternal
Simple Essence other corn, and wine, and oil.
And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse, O in
peace, O for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me down and
sleep, for who shall hinder us, when cometh to pass that saying which
is written, Death is swallowed up in victory? And Thou surpassingly art
the Self-same, Who art not changed; and in Thee is rest which
forgetteth all toil, for there is none other with Thee, nor are we to
seek those many other things, which are not what Thou art: but Thou,
Lord, alone hast made me dwell in hope. I read, and kindled; nor found
I what to do to those deaf and dead, of whom myself had been, a
pestilent person, a bitter and a blind bawler against those writings,
which are honied with the honey of heaven, and lightsome with Thine own
light: and I was consumed with zeal at the enemies of this Scripture.
When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet neither
have I forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy scourge, and
the wonderful swiftness of Thy mercy. Thou didst then torment me with
pain in my teeth; which when it had come to such height that I could
not speak, it came into my heart to desire all my friends present to
pray for me to Thee, the God of all manner of health. And this I wrote
on wax, and gave it them to read. Presently so soon as with humble
devotion we had bowed our knees, that pain went away. But what pain? or
how went it away? I was affrighted, O my Lord, my God; for from infancy
I had never experienced the like. And the power of Thy Nod was deeply
conveyed to me, and rejoicing in faith, I praised Thy Name. And that
faith suffered me not to be at ease about my past sins, which were not
yet forgiven me by Thy baptism.
Chapter V -at the recommendation of Ambrose, he reads the prophecies of Isaiah, but does not understand them.
The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to provide
their scholars with another master to sell words to them; for that I
had both made choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty of
breathing and pain in my chest was not equal to the Professorship. And
by letters I signified to Thy Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my former
errors and present desires, begging his advice what of Thy Scriptures I
had best read, to become readier and fitter for receiving so great
grace. He recommended Isaiah the Prophet: I believe, because he above
the rest is a more clear foreshower of the Gospel and of the calling of
the Gentiles. But I, not understanding the first lesson in him, and
imagining the whole to be like it, laid it by, to be resumed when
better practised in our Lord's own words.
Chapter VI -He is baptized at Milan with Alypius and his son Adeodatus. the book "De Magistro."
Thence, when the time was come wherein I was to give in my name, we
left the country and returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius also to be
with me born again in Thee, being already clothed with the humility
befitting Thy Sacraments; and a most valiant tamer of the body, so as,
with unwonted venture, to wear the frozen ground of Italy with his bare
feet. We joined with us the boy Adeodatus, born after the flesh, of my
sin. Excellently hadst Thou made him. He was not quite fifteen, and in
wit surpassed many grave and learned men. I confess unto Thee Thy
gifts, O Lord my God, Creator of all, and abundantly able to reform our
deformities: for I had no part in that boy, but the sin. For that we
brought him up in Thy discipline, it was Thou, none else, had inspired
us with it. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts. There is a book of ours
entitled The Master; it is a dialogue between him and me. Thou knowest
that all there ascribed to the person conversing with me were his
ideas, in his sixteenth year. Much besides, and yet more admirable, I
found in him. That talent struck awe into me. And who but Thou could be
the workmaster of such wonders? Soon didst Thou take his life from the
earth: and I now remember him without anxiety, fearing nothing for his
childhood or youth, or his whole self. Him we joined with us, our
contemporary in grace, to he brought up in Thy discipline: and we were
baptised, and anxiety for our past life vanished from us. Nor was I
sated in those days with the wondrous sweetness of considering the
depth of Thy counsels concerning the salvation of mankind. How did I
weep, in Thy Hymns and Canticles, touched to the quick by the voices of
Thy sweet-attuned Church! The voices flowed into mine ears, and the
Truth distilled into my heart, whence the affections of my devotion
overflowed, and tears ran down, and happy was I therein.
Chapter VII -Of the Church hymns instituted at Milan; of the Ambrosian Persecution raised by Justina; and of the discovery of the bodies of two martyrs.
Not long had the Church of Milan begun to use this kind of consolation
and exhortation, the brethren zealously joining with harmony of voice
and hearts. For it was a year, or not much more, that Justina, mother
to the Emperor Valentinian, a child, persecuted Thy servant Ambrose, in
favour of her heresy, to which she was seduced by the Arians. The
devout people kept watch in the Church, ready to die with their Bishop
Thy servant. There my mother Thy handmaid, bearing a chief part of
those anxieties and watchings, lived for prayer. We, yet unwarmed by
the heat of Thy Spirit, still were stirred up by the sight of the
amazed and disquieted city. Then it was first instituted that after the
manner of the Eastern Churches, Hymns and Psalms should be sung, lest
the people should wax faint through the tediousness of sorrow: and from
that day to this the custom is retained, divers (yea, almost all) Thy
congregations, throughout other parts of the world following herein.
Then didst Thou by a vision discover to Thy forenamed Bishop where the
bodies of Gervasius and Protasius the martyrs lay hid (whom Thou hadst
in Thy secret treasury stored uncorrupted so many years), whence Thou
mightest seasonably produce them to repress the fury of a woman, but an
Empress. For when they were discovered and dug up, and with due honour
translated to the Ambrosian Basilica, not only they who were vexed with
unclean spirits (the devils confessing themselves) were cured, but a
certain man who had for many years been blind, a citizen, and well
known to the city, asking and hearing the reason of the people's
confused joy, sprang forth desiring his guide to lead him thither. Led
thither, he begged to be allowed to touch with his handkerchief the
bier of Thy saints, whose death is precious in Thy sight. Which when he
had done, and put to his eyes, they were forthwith opened. Thence did
the fame spread, thence Thy praises glowed, shone; thence the mind of
that enemy, though not turned to the soundness of believing, was yet
turned back from her fury of persecuting. Thanks to Thee, O my God.
Whence and whither hast Thou thus led my remembrance, that I should
confess these things also unto Thee? which great though they be, I had
passed by in forgetfulness. And yet then, when the odour of Thy
ointments was so fragrant, did we not run after Thee. Therefore did I
more weep among the singing of Thy Hymns, formerly sighing after Thee,
and at length breathing in Thee, as far as the breath may enter into
this our house of grass.
Chapter VIII -Of the conversion of Evodius, and the death of his mother when returning with him to Africa; and whose education he tenderly relates.
Thou that makest men to dwell of one mind in one house, didst join with
us Euodius also, a young man of our own city. Who being an officer of
Court, was before us converted to Thee and baptised: and quitting his
secular warfare, girded himself to Thine. We were together, about to
dwell together in our devout purpose. We sought where we might serve
Thee most usefully, and were together returning to Africa: whitherward
being as far as Ostia, my mother departed this life. Much I omit, as
hastening much. Receive my confessions and thanksgivings, O my God, for
innumerable things whereof I am silent. But I will not omit whatsoever
my soul would bring forth concerning that Thy handmaid, who brought me
forth, both in the flesh, that I might be born to this temporal light,
and in heart, that I might be born to Light eternal. Not her gifts, but
Thine in her, would I speak of; for neither did she make nor educate
herself. Thou createdst her; nor did her father and mother know what a
one should come from them. And the sceptre of Thy Christ, the
discipline of Thine only Son, in a Christian house, a good member of
Thy Church, educated her in Thy fear. Yet for her good discipline was
she wont to commend not so much her mother's diligence, as that of a
certain decrepit maid-servant, who had carried her father when a child,
as little ones used to be carried at the backs of elder girls. For
which reason, and for her great age, and excellent conversation, was
she, in that Christian family, well respected by its heads. Whence also
the charge of her master's daughters was entrusted to her, to which she
gave diligent heed, restraining them earnestly, when necessary, with a
holy severity, and teaching them with a grave discretion. For, except
at those hours wherein they were most temporately fed at their parents'
table, she would not suffer them, though parched with thirst, to drink
even water; preventing an evil custom, and adding this wholesome
advice: "Ye drink water now, because you have not wine in your power;
but when you come to be married, and be made mistresses of cellars and
cupboards, you will scorn water, but the custom of drinking will
abide." By this method of instruction, and the authority she had, she
refrained the greediness of childhood, and moulded their very thirst to
such an excellent moderation that what they should not, that they would
not.
And yet (as Thy handmaid told me her son) there had crept upon her a
love of wine. For when (as the manner was) she, as though a sober
maiden, was bidden by her parents to draw wine out of the hogshed,
holding the vessel under the opening, before she poured the wine into
the flagon, she sipped a little with the tip of her lips; for more her
instinctive feelings refused. For this she did, not out of any desire
of drink, but out of the exuberance of youth, whereby it boils over in
mirthful freaks, which in youthful spirits are wont to be kept under by
the gravity of their elders. And thus by adding to that little, daily
littles (for whoso despiseth little things shall fall by little and
little), she had fallen into such a habit as greedily to drink off her
little cup brim-full almost of wine. Where was then that discreet old
woman, and that her earnest countermanding? Would aught avail against a
secret disease, if Thy healing hand, O Lord, watched not over us?
Father, mother, and governors absent, Thou present, who createdst, who
callest, who also by those set over us, workest something towards the
salvation of our souls, what didst Thou then, O my God? how didst Thou
cure her? how heal her? didst Thou not out of another soul bring forth
a hard and a sharp taunt, like a lancet out of Thy secret store, and
with one touch remove all that foul stuff? For a maid-servant with whom
she used to go to the cellar, falling to words (as it happens) with her
little mistress, when alone with her, taunted her with this fault, with
most bitter insult, calling her wine-bibber. With which taunt she,
stung to the quick, saw the foulness of her fault, and instantly
condemned and forsook it. As flattering friends pervert, so reproachful
enemies mostly correct. Yet not what by them Thou doest, but what
themselves purposed, dost Thou repay them. For she in her anger sought
to vex her young mistress, not to amend her; and did it in private,
either for that the time and place of the quarrel so found them; or
lest herself also should have anger, for discovering it thus late. But
Thou, Lord, Governor of all in heaven and earth, who turnest to Thy
purposes the deepest currents, and the ruled turbulence of the tide of
times, didst by the very unhealthiness of one soul heal another; lest
any, when he observes this, should ascribe it to his own power, even
when another, whom he wished to be reformed, is reformed through words
of his.
Chapter IX -He describes the praiseworthy habits of his mother; her kindness towards her husband and her sons.
Brought up thus modestly and soberly, and made subject rather by Thee
to her parents, than by her parents to Thee, so soon as she was of
marriageable age, being bestowed upon a husband, she served him as her
lord; and did her diligence to win him unto Thee, preaching Thee unto
him by her conversation; by which Thou ornamentedst her, making her
reverently amiable, and admirable unto her husband. And she so endured
the wronging of her bed as never to have any quarrel with her husband
thereon. For she looked for Thy mercy upon him, that believing in Thee,
he might be made chaste. But besides this, he was fervid, as in his
affections, so in anger: but she had learnt not to resist an angry
husband, not in deed only, but not even in word. Only when he was
smoothed and tranquil, and in a temper to receive it, she would give an
account of her actions, if haply he had overhastily taken offence. In a
word, while many matrons, who had milder husbands, yet bore even in
their faces marks of shame, would in familiar talk blame their
husbands' lives, she would blame their tongues, giving them, as in
jest, earnest advice: "That from the time they heard the marriage
writings read to them, they should account them as indentures, whereby
they were made servants; and so, remembering their condition, ought not
to set themselves up against their lords." And when they, knowing what
a choleric husband she endured, marvelled that it had never been heard,
nor by any token perceived, that Patricius had beaten his wife, or that
there had been any domestic difference between them, even for one day,
and confidentially asking the reason, she taught them her practice
above mentioned. Those wives who observed it found the good, and
returned thanks; those who observed it not, found no relief, and
suffered.
Her mother-in-law also, at first by whisperings of evil servants
incensed against her, she so overcame by observance and persevering
endurance and meekness, that she of her own accord discovered to her
son the meddling tongues whereby the domestic peace betwixt her and her
daughter-in-law had been disturbed, asking him to correct them. Then,
when in compliance with his mother, and for the well-ordering of the
family, he had with stripes corrected those discovered, at her will who
had discovered them, she promised the like reward to any who, to please
her, should speak ill of her daughter-in-law to her: and none now
venturing, they lived together with a remarkable sweetness of mutual
kindness.
This great gift also thou bestowedst, O my God, my mercy, upon that
good handmaid of Thine, in whose womb Thou createdst me, that between
any disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able, she showed
herself such a peacemaker, that hearing on both sides most bitter
things, such as swelling and indigested choler uses to break out into,
when the crudities of enmities are breathed out in sour discourses to a
present friend against an absent enemy, she never would disclose aught
of the one unto the other, but what might tend to their reconcilement.
A small good this might appear to me, did I not to my grief know
numberless persons, who through some horrible and wide-spreading
contagion of sin, not only disclose to persons mutually angered things
said in anger, but add withal things never spoken, whereas to humane
humanity, it ought to seem a light thing not to toment or increase ill
will by ill words, unless one study withal by good words to quench it.
Such was she, Thyself, her most inward Instructor, teaching her in the
school of the heart.
Finally, her own husband, towards the very end of his earthly life, did
she gain unto Thee; nor had she to complain of that in him as a
believer, which before he was a believer she had borne from him. She
was also the servant of Thy servants; whosoever of them knew her, did
in her much praise and honour and love Thee; for that through the
witness of the fruits of a holy conversation they perceived Thy
presence in her heart. For she had been the wife of one man, had
requited her parents, had govemed her house piously, was well reported
of for good works, had brought up children, so often travailing in
birth of them, as she saw them swerving from Thee. Lastly, of all of us
Thy servants, O Lord (whom on occasion of Thy own gift Thou sufferest
to speak), us, who before her sleeping in Thee lived united together,
having received the grace of Thy baptism, did she so take care of, as
though she had been mother of us all; so served us, as though she had
been child to us all.
Chapter X -A conversation he had with his mother concerning the kindom of heaven.
The day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life (which day
Thou well knewest, we knew not), it came to pass, Thyself, as I
believe, by Thy secret ways so ordering it, that she and I stood alone,
leaning in a certain window, which looked into the garden of the house
where we now lay, at Ostia; where removed from the din of men, we were
recruiting from the fatigues of a long journey, for the voyage. We were
discoursing then together, alone, very sweetly; and forgetting those
things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are
before, we were enquiring between ourselves in the presence of the
Truth, which Thou art, of what sort the eternal life of the saints was
to be, which eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, nor hath it entered into
the heart of man. But yet we gasped with the mouth of our heart, after
those heavenly streams of Thy fountain, the fountain of life, which is
with Thee; that being bedewed thence according to our capacity, we
might in some sort meditate upon so high a mystery.
And when our discourse was brought to that point, that the very highest
delight of the earthly senses, in the very purest material light, was,
in respect of the sweetness of that life, not only not worthy of
comparison, but not even of mention; we raising up ourselves with a
more glowing affection towards the "Self-same," did by degrees pass
through all things bodily, even the very heaven whence sun and moon and
stars shine upon the earth; yea, we were soaring higher yet, by inward
musing, and discourse, and admiring of Thy works; and we came to our
own minds, and went beyond them, that we might arrive at that region of
never-failing plenty, where Thou feedest Israel for ever with the food
of truth, and where life is the Wisdom by whom all these things are
made, and what have been, and what shall be, and she is not made, but
is, as she hath been, and so shall she be ever; yea rather, to "have
been," and "hereafter to be," are not in her, but only "to be," seeing
she is eternal. For to "have been," and to "be hereafter," are not
eternal. And while we were discoursing and panting after her, we
slightly touched on her with the whole effort of our heart; and we
sighed, and there we leave bound the first fruits of the Spirit; and
returned to vocal expressions of our mouth, where the word spoken has
beginning and end. And what is like unto Thy Word, our Lord, who
endureth in Himself without becoming old, and maketh all things new?
We were saying then: If to any the tumult of the flesh were hushed,
hushed the images of earth, and waters, and air, hushed also the pole
of heaven, yea the very soul be hushed to herself, and by not thinking
on self surmount self, hushed all dreams and imaginary revelations,
every tongue and every sign, and whatsoever exists only in transition,
since if any could hear, all these say, We made not ourselves, but He
made us that abideth for ever--If then having uttered this, they too
should be hushed, having roused only our ears to Him who made them, and
He alone speak, not by them but by Himself, that we may hear His Word,
not through any tongue of flesh, nor Angel's voice, nor sound of
thunder, nor in the dark riddle of a similitude, but might hear Whom in
these things we love, might hear His Very Self without these (as we two
now strained ourselves, and in swift thought touched on that Eternal
Wisdom which abideth over all);--could this be continued on, and other
visions of kind far unlike be withdrawn, and this one ravish, and
absorb, and wrap up its beholder amid these inward joys, so that life
might be for ever like that one moment of understanding which now we
sighed after; were not this, Enter into thy Master's joy? And when
shall that be? When we shall all rise again, though we shall not all be
changed?
Such things was I speaking, and even if not in this very manner, and
these same words, yet, Lord, Thou knowest that in that day when we were
speaking of these things, and this world with all its delights became,
as we spake, contemptible to us, my mother said, "Son, for mine own
part I have no further delight in any thing in this life. What I do
here any longer, and to what I am here, I know not, now that my hopes
in this world are accomplished. One thing there was for which I desired
to linger for a while in this life, that I might see thee a Catholic
Christian before I died. My God hath done this for me more abundantly,
that I should now see thee withal, despising earthly happiness, become
His servant: what do I here?"
Chapter XI -His mother, attacked by fever, dies at Ostia.
What answer I made her unto these things, I remember not. For scarce
five days after, or not much more, she fell sick of a fever; and in
that sickness one day she fell into a swoon, and was for a while
withdrawn from these visible things. We hastened round her; but she was
soon brought back to her senses; and looking on me and my brother
standing by her, said to us enquiringly, "Where was I?" And then
looking fixedly on us, with grief amazed: "Here," saith she, "shall you
bury your mother." I held my peace and refrained weeping; but my
brother spake something, wishing for her, as the happier lot, that she
might die, not in a strange place, but in her own land. Whereat, she
with anxious look, checking him with her eyes, for that he still
savoured such things, and then looking upon me: "Behold," saith she,
"what he saith": and soon after to us both, "Lay," she saith, "this
body any where; let not the care for that any way disquiet you: this
only I request, that you would remember me at the Lord's altar,
wherever you be." And having delivered this sentiment in what words she
could, she held her peace, being exercised by her growing sickness.
But I, considering Thy gifts, Thou unseen God, which Thou instillest
into the hearts of Thy faithful ones, whence wondrous fruits do spring,
did rejoice and give thanks to Thee, recalling what I before knew, how
careful and anxious she had ever been as to her place of burial, which
she had provided and prepared for herself by the body of her husband.
For because they had lived in great harmony together, she also wished
(so little can the human mind embrace things divine) to have this
addition to that happiness, and to have it remembered among men, that
after her pilgrimage beyond the seas, what was earthly of this united
pair had been permitted to be united beneath the same earth. But when
this emptiness had through the fulness of Thy goodness begun to cease
in her heart, I knew not, and rejoiced admiring what she had so
disclosed to me; though indeed in that our discourse also in the
window, when she said, "What do I here any longer?" there appeared no
desire of dying in her own country. I heard afterwards also, that when
we were now at Ostia, she with a mother's confidence, when I was
absent, one day discoursed with certain of my friends about the
contempt of this life, and the blessing of death: and when they were
amazed at such courage which Thou hadst given to a woman, and asked,
"Whether she were not afraid to leave her body so far from her own
city?" she replied, "Nothing is far to God; nor was it to be feared
lest at the end of the world, He should not recognise whence He were to
raise me up." On the ninth day then of her sickness, and the
fifty-sixth year of her age, and the three-and-thirtieth of mine, was
that religious and holy soul freed from the body.
Chapter XII -How he mourned his dead mother.
I closed her eyes; and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow into my
heart, which was overflowing into tears; mine eyes at the same time, by
the violent command of my mind, drank up their fountain wholly dry; and
woe was me in such a strife! But when she breathed her last, the boy
Adeodatus burst out into a loud lament; then, checked by us all, held
his peace. In like manner also a childish feeling in me, which was,
through my heart's youthful voice, finding its vent in weeping, was
checked and silenced. For we thought it not fitting to solemnise that
funeral with tearful lament, and groanings; for thereby do they for the
most part express grief for the departed, as though unhappy, or
altogether dead; whereas she was neither unhappy in her death, nor
altogether dead. Of this we were assured on good grounds, the testimony
of her good conversation and her faith unfeigned.
What then was it which did grievously pain me within, but a fresh wound
wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dear custom of
living together? I joyed indeed in her testimony, when, in that her
last sickness, mingling her endearments with my acts of duty, she
called me "dutiful," and mentioned, with great affection of love, that
she never had heard any harsh or reproachful sound uttered by my mouth
against her. But yet, O my God, Who madest us, what comparison is there
betwixt that honour that I paid to her, and her slavery for me? Being
then forsaken of so great comfort in her, my soul was wounded, and that
life rent asunder as it were, which, of hers and mine together, had
been made but one.
The boy then being stilled from weeping, Euodius took up the Psalter,
and began to sing, our whole house answering him, the Psalm, I will
sing of mercy and judgments to Thee, O Lord. But hearing what we were
doing, many brethren and religious women came together; and whilst they
(whose office it was) made ready for the burial, as the manner is, I
(in a part of the house, where I might properly), together with those
who thought not fit to leave me, discoursed upon something fitting the
time; and by this balm of truth assuaged that torment, known to Thee,
they unknowing and listening intently, and conceiving me to be without
all sense of sorrow. But in Thy ears, where none of them heard, I
blamed the weakness of my feelings, and refrained my flood of grief,
which gave way a little unto me; but again came, as with a tide, yet
not so as to burst out into tears, nor to change of countenance; still
I knew what I was keeping down in my heart. And being very much
displeased that these human things had such power over me, which in the
due order and appointment of our natural condition must needs come to
pass, with a new grief I grieved for my grief, and was thus worn by a
double sorrow.
And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went and returned
without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto
Thee, when the Sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her, when now
the corpse was by the grave's side, as the manner there is, previous to
its being laid therein, did I weep even during those prayers; yet was I
the whole day in secret heavily sad, and with troubled mind prayed
Thee, as I could, to heal my sorrow, yet Thou didst not; impressing, I
believe, upon my memory by this one instance, how strong is the bond of
all habit, even upon a soul, which now feeds upon no deceiving Word. It
seemed also good to me to go and bathe, having heard that the bath had
its name (balneum) from the Greek Balaneion for that it drives sadness
from the mind. And this also I confess unto Thy mercy, Father of the
fatherless, that I bathed, and was the same as before I bathed. For the
bitterness of sorrow could not exude out of my heart. Then I slept, and
woke up again, and found my grief not a little softened; and as I was
alone in my bed, I remembered those true verses of Thy Ambrose. For
Thou art the
"Maker of all, the Lord,
And Ruler of the height,
Who, robing day in light, hast poured
Soft slumbers o'er the night,
That to our limbs the power
Of toil may be renew'd,
And hearts be rais'd that sink and cower,
And sorrows be subdu'd."
And then by little and little I recovered my former thoughts of Thy
handmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy tenderness and
observance towards us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and I was
minded to weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalf and
in my own. And I gave way to the tears which I before restrained, to
overflow as much as they desired; reposing my heart upon them; and it
found rest in them, for it was in Thy ears, not in those of man, who
would have scornfully interpreted my weeping. And now, Lord, in writing
I confess it unto Thee. Read it, who will, and interpret it, how he
will: and if he finds sin therein, that I wept my mother for a small
portion of an hour (the mother who for the time was dead to mine eyes,
who had for many years wept for me that I might live in Thine eyes),
let him not deride me; but rather, if he be one of large charity, let
him weep himself for my sins unto Thee, the Father of all the brethren
of Thy Christ.
Chapter XIII -He entreats God for her sins, and admonishes his readers to remember her piously.
But now, with a heart cured of that wound, wherein it might seem
blameworthy for an earthly feeling, I pour out unto Thee, our God, in
behalf of that Thy handmaid, a far different kind of tears, flowing
from a spirit shaken by the thoughts of the dangers of every soul that
dieth in Adam. And although she having been quickened in Christ, even
before her release from the flesh, had lived to the praise of Thy name
for her faith and conversation; yet dare I not say that from what time
Thou regeneratedst her by baptism, no word issued from her mouth
against Thy Commandment. Thy Son, the Truth, hath said, Whosoever shall
say unto his brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. And
woe be even unto the commendable life of men, if, laying aside mercy,
Thou shouldest examine it. But because Thou art not extreme in
enquiring after sins, we confidently hope to find some place with Thee.
But whosoever reckons up his real merits to Thee, what reckons he up to
Thee but Thine own gifts? O that men would know themselves to be men;
and that he that glorieth would glory in the Lord.
I therefore, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, laying aside for
a while her good deeds, for which I give thanks to Thee with joy, do
now beseech Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto me, I entreat
Thee, by the Medicine of our wounds, Who hung upon the tree, and now
sitting at Thy right hand maketh intercession to Thee for us. I know
that she dealt mercifully, and from her heart forgave her debtors their
debts; do Thou also forgive her debts, whatever she may have contracted
in so many years, since the water of salvation. Forgive her, Lord,
forgive, I beseech Thee; enter not into judgment with her. Let Thy
mercy be exalted above Thy justice, since Thy words are true, and Thou
hast promised mercy unto the merciful; which Thou gavest them to be,
who wilt have mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy; and wilt have
compassion on whom Thou hast had compassion.
And, I believe, Thou hast already done what I ask; but accept, O Lord,
the free-will offerings of my mouth. For she, the day of her
dissolution now at hand, took no thought to have her body sumptuously
wound up, or embalmed with spices; nor desired she a choice monument,
or to be buried in her own land. These things she enjoined us not; but
desired only to have her name commemorated at Thy Altar, which she had
served without intermission of one day: whence she knew the holy
Sacrifice to be dispensed, by which the hand-writing that was against
us is blotted out; through which the enemy was triumphed over, who
summing up our offences, and seeking what to lay to our charge, found
nothing in Him, in Whom we conquer. Who shall restore to Him the
innocent blood? Who repay Him the price wherewith He bought us, and so
take us from Him? Unto the Sacrament of which our ransom, Thy handmaid
bound her soul by the bond of faith. Let none sever her from Thy
protection: let neither the lion nor the dragon interpose himself by
force or fraud. For she will not answer that she owes nothing, lest she
be convicted and seized by the crafty accuser: but she will answer that
her sins are forgiven her by Him, to Whom none can repay that price
which He, Who owed nothing, paid for us.
May she rest then in peace with the husband before and after whom she
had never any; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth fruit unto
Thee, that she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire, O Lord my
God, inspire Thy servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters, whom with
voice, and heart, and pen I serve, that so many as shall read these
Confessions, may at Thy Altar remember Monnica Thy handmaid, with
Patricius, her sometimes husband, by whose bodies Thou broughtest me
into this life, how I know not. May they with devout affection remember
my parents in this transitory light, my brethren under Thee our Father
in our Catholic Mother, and my fellow-citizens in that eternal
Jerusalem which Thy pilgrim people sigheth after from their Exodus,
even unto their return thither. That so my mother's last request of me,
may through my confessions, more than through my prayers, be, through
the prayers of many, more abundantly fulfilled to her.
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