Confessions Of Saint Augustine

The Confessions Of Saint Augustine

Book VI

Chapter I -His mother having followed him to Milan, declares that she will not die before her son shall have embraced the Catholic faith.

O Thou, my hope from my youth, where wert Thou to me, and whither wert

Thou gone? Hadst not Thou created me, and separated me from the beasts

of the field, and fowls of the air? Thou hadst made me wiser, yet did I

walk in darkness, and in slippery places, and sought Thee abroad out of

myself, and found not the God of my heart; and had come into the depths

of the sea, and distrusted and despaired of ever finding truth. My

mother had now come to me, resolute through piety, following me over

sea and land, in all perils confiding in Thee. For in perils of the

sea, she comforted the very mariners (by whom passengers unacquainted

with the deep, use rather to be comforted when troubled), assuring them

of a safe arrival, because Thou hadst by a vision assured her thereof.

She found me in grievous peril, through despair of ever finding truth.

But when I had discovered to her that I was now no longer a Manichee,

though not yet a Catholic Christian, she was not overjoyed, as at

something unexpected; although she was now assured concerning that part

of my misery, for which she bewailed me as one dead, though to be

reawakened by Thee, carrying me forth upon the bier of her thoughts,

that Thou mightest say to the son of the widow, Young man, I say unto

thee, Arise; and he should revive, and begin to speak, and Thou

shouldest deliver him to his mother. Her heart then was shaken with no

tumultuous exultation, when she heard that what she daily with tears

desired of Thee was already in so great part realised; in that, though

I had not yet attained the truth, I was rescued from falsehood; but, as

being assured, that Thou, Who hadst promised the whole, wouldest one

day give the rest, most calmly, and with a heart full of confidence,

she replied to me, "She believed in Christ, that before she departed

this life, she should see me a Catholic believer." Thus much to me. But

to Thee, Fountain of mercies, poured she forth more copious prayers and

tears, that Thou wouldest hasten Thy help, and enlighten my darkness;

and she hastened the more eagerly to the Church, and hung upon the lips

of Ambrose, praying for the fountain of that water, which springeth up

unto life everlasting. But that man she loved as an angel of God,

because she knew that by him I had been brought for the present to that

doubtful state of faith I now was in, through which she anticipated

most confidently that I should pass from sickness unto health, after

the access, as it were, of a sharper fit, which physicians call "the

crisis."

Chapter II -She, on the prohibition of Ambrose, abstains from honouring the memory of the Martyrs.

When then my mother had once, as she was wont in Afric, brought to the

Churches built in memory of the Saints, certain cakes, and bread and

wine, and was forbidden by the door-keeper; so soon as she knew that

the Bishop had forbidden this, she so piously and obediently embraced

his wishes, that I myself wondered how readily she censured her own

practice, rather than discuss his prohibition. For wine-bibbing did not

lay siege to her spirit, nor did love of wine provoke her to hatred of

the truth, as it doth too many (both men and women), who revolt at a

lesson of sobriety, as men well-drunk at a draught mingled with water.

But she, when she had brought her basket with the accustomed

festival-food, to be but tasted by herself, and then given away, never

joined therewith more than one small cup of wine, diluted according to

her own abstemious habits, which for courtesy she would taste. And if

there were many churches of the departed saints that were to be

honoured in that manner, she still carried round that same one cup, to

be used every where; and this, though not only made very watery, but

unpleasantly heated with carrying about, she would distribute to those

about her by small sips; for she sought there devotion, not pleasure.

So soon, then, as she found this custom to be forbidden by that famous

preacher and most pious prelate, even to those that would use it

soberly, lest so an occasion of excess might be given to the drunken;

and for these, as it were, anniversary funeral solemnities did much

resemble the superstition of the Gentiles, she most willingly forbare

it: and for a basket filled with fruits of the earth, she had learned

to bring to the Churches of the martyrs a breast filled with more

purified petitions, and to give what she could to the poor; that so the

communication of the Lord's Body might be there rightly celebrated,

where, after the example of His Passion, the martyrs had been

sacrificed and crowned. But yet it seems to me, O Lord my God, and thus

thinks my heart of it in Thy sight, that perhaps she would not so

readily have yielded to the cutting off of this custom, had it been

forbidden by another, whom she loved not as Ambrose, whom, for my

salvation, she loved most entirely; and he her again, for her most

religious conversation, whereby in good works, so fervent in spirit,

she was constant at church; so that, when he saw me, he often burst

forth into her praises; congratulating me that I had such a mother; not

knowing what a son she had in me, who doubted of all these things, and

imagined the way to life could not be found out.

Chapter III -As Ambrose was occupied with business and study, Augustin could seldom consult him concerning the Holy Scriptures.

Nor did I yet groan in my prayers, that Thou wouldest help me; but my

spirit was wholly intent on learning, and restless to dispute. And

Ambrose himself, as the world counts happy, I esteemed a happy man,

whom personages so great held in such honour; only his celibacy seemed

to me a painful course. But what hope he bore within him, what

struggles he had against the temptations which beset his very

excellencies, or what comfort in adversities, and what sweet joys Thy

Bread had for the hidden mouth of his spirit, when chewing the cud

thereof, I neither could conjecture, nor had experienced. Nor did he

know the tides of my feelings, or the abyss of my danger. For I could

not ask of him, what I would as I would, being shut out both from his

ear and speech by multitudes of busy people, whose weaknesses he

served. With whom when he was not taken up (which was but a little

time), he was either refreshing his body with the sustenance absolutely

necessary, or his mind with reading. But when he was reading, his eye

glided over the pages, and his heart searched out the sense, but his

voice and tongue were at rest. Ofttimes when we had come (for no man

was forbidden to enter, nor was it his wont that any who came should be

announced to him), we saw him thus reading to himself, and never

otherwise; and having long sat silent (for who durst intrude on one so

intent?) we were fain to depart, conjecturing that in the small

interval which he obtained, free from the din of others' business, for

the recruiting of his mind, he was loth to be taken off; and perchance

he dreaded lest if the author he read should deliver any thing

obscurely, some attentive or perplexed hearer should desire him to

expound it, or to discuss some of the harder questions; so that his

time being thus spent, he could not turn over so many volumes as he

desired; although the preserving of his voice (which a very little

speaking would weaken) might be the truer reason for his reading to

himself. But with what intent soever he did it, certainly in such a man

it was good.

I however certainly had no opportunity of enquiring what I wished of

that so holy oracle of Thine, his breast, unless the thing might be

answered briefly. But those tides in me, to be poured out to him,

required his full leisure, and never found it. I heard him indeed every

Lord's day, rightly expounding the Word of truth among the people; and

I was more and more convinced that all the knots of those crafty

calumnies, which those our deceivers had knit against the Divine Books,

could be unravelled. But when I understood withal, that "man created by

Thee, after Thine own image," was not so understood by Thy spiritual

sons, whom of the Catholic Mother Thou hast born again through grace,

as though they believed and conceived of Thee as bounded by human shape

(although what a spiritual substance should be I had not even a faint

or shadowy notion); yet, with joy I blushed at having so many years

barked not against the Catholic faith, but against the fictions of

carnal imaginations. For so rash and impious had I been, that what I

ought by enquiring to have learned, I had pronounced on, condemning.

For Thou, Most High, and most near; most secret, and most present; Who

hast not limbs some larger, some smaller, but art wholly every where,

and no where in space, art not of such corporeal shape, yet hast Thou

made man after Thine own image; and behold, from head to foot is he

contained in space.

Chapter IV -He recognises the falsity of his own opinions, and commits to memory the saying of Ambrose.

Ignorant then how this Thy image should subsist, I should have knocked

and proposed the doubt, how it was to be believed, not insultingly

opposed it, as if believed. Doubt, then, what to hold for certain, the

more sharply gnawed my heart, the more ashamed I was, that so long

deluded and deceived by the promise of certainties, I had with childish

error and vehemence, prated of so many uncertainties. For that they

were falsehoods became clear to me later. However I was certain that

they were uncertain, and that I had formerly accounted them certain,

when with a blind contentiousness, I accused Thy Catholic Church, whom

I now discovered, not indeed as yet to teach truly, but at least not to

teach that for which I had grievously censured her. So I was

confounded, and converted: and I joyed, O my God, that the One Only

Church, the body of Thine Only Son (wherein the name of Christ had been

put upon me as an infant), had no taste for infantine conceits; nor in

her sound doctrine maintained any tenet which should confine Thee, the

Creator of all, in space, however great and large, yet bounded every

where by the limits of a human form.

I joyed also that the old Scriptures of the law and the Prophets were

laid before me, not now to be perused with that eye to which before

they seemed absurd, when I reviled Thy holy ones for so thinking,

whereas indeed they thought not so: and with joy I heard Ambrose in his

sermons to the people, oftentimes most diligently recommend this text

for a rule, The letter killeth, but the Spirit giveth life; whilst he

drew aside the mystic veil, laying open spiritually what, according to

the letter, seemed to teach something unsound; teaching herein nothing

that offended me, though he taught what I knew not as yet, whether it

were true. For I kept my heart from assenting to any thing, fearing to

fall headlong; but by hanging in suspense I was the worse killed. For I

wished to be as assured of the things I saw not, as I was that seven

and three are ten. For I was not so mad as to think that even this

could not be comprehended; but I desired to have other things as clear

as this, whether things corporeal, which were not present to my senses,

or spiritual, whereof I knew not how to conceive, except corporeally.

And by believing might I have been cured, that so the eyesight of my

soul being cleared, might in some way be directed to Thy truth, which

abideth always, and in no part faileth. But as it happens that one who

has tried a bad physician, fears to trust himself with a good one, so

was it with the health of my soul, which could not be healed but by

believing, and lest it should believe falsehoods, refused to be cured;

resisting Thy hands, Who hast prepared the medicines of faith, and hast

applied them to the diseases of the whole world, and given unto them so

great authority.

Chapter V -Faith is the basis of human life; man cannot discover that truth which holy scripture has disclosed.

Being led, however, from this to prefer the Catholic doctrine, I felt

that her proceeding was more unassuming and honest, in that she

required to be believed things not demonstrated (whether it was that

they could in themselves be demonstrated but not to certain persons, or

could not at all be), whereas among the Manichees our credulity was

mocked by a promise of certain knowledge, and then so many most

fabulous and absurd things were imposed to be believed, because they

could not be demonstrated. Then Thou, O Lord, little by little with

most tender and most merciful hand, touching and composing my heart,

didst persuade me--considering what innumerable things I believed,

which I saw not, nor was present while they were done, as so many

things in secular history, so many reports of places and of cities,

which I had not seen; so many of friends, so many of physicians, so

many continually of other men, which unless we should believe, we

should do nothing at all in this life; lastly, with how unshaken an

assurance I believed of what parents I was born, which I could not

know, had I not believed upon hearsay--considering all this, Thou didst

persuade me, that not they who believed Thy Books (which Thou hast

established in so great authority among almost all nations), but they

who believed them not, were to be blamed; and that they were not to be

heard, who should say to me, "How knowest thou those Scriptures to have

been imparted unto mankind by the Spirit of the one true and most true

God?" For this very thing was of all most to be believed, since no

contentiousness of blasphemous questionings, of all that multitude

which I had read in the self-contradicting philosophers, could wring

this belief from me, "That Thou art" whatsoever Thou wert (what I knew

not), and "That the government of human things belongs to Thee."

This I believed, sometimes more strongly, more weakly otherwhiles; yet

I ever believed both that Thou wert, and hadst a care of us; though I

was ignorant, both what was to be thought of Thy substance, and what

way led or led back to Thee. Since then we were too weak by abstract

reasonings to find out truth: and for this very cause needed the

authority of Holy Writ; I had now begun to believe that Thou wouldest

never have given such excellency of authority to that Writ in all

lands, hadst Thou not willed thereby to be believed in, thereby sought.

For now what things, sounding strangely in the Scripture, were wont to

offend me, having heard divers of them expounded satisfactorily, I

referred to the depth of the mysteries, and its authority appeared to

me the more venerable, and more worthy of religious credence, in that,

while it lay open to all to read, it reserved the majesty of its

mysteries within its profounder meaning, stooping to all in the great

plainness of its words and lowliness of its style, yet calling forth

the intensest application of such as are not light of heart; that so it

might receive all in its open bosom, and through narrow passages waft

over towards Thee some few, yet many more than if it stood not aloft on

such a height of authority, nor drew multitudes within its bosom by its

holy lowliness. These things I thought on, and Thou wert with me; I

sighed, and Thou heardest me; I wavered, and Thou didst guide me; I

wandered through the broad way of the world, and Thou didst not forsake

me.

Chapter VI -On the source and cause of true joy,--the example of the joyous beggar being adduced.

I panted after honours, gains, marriage; and Thou deridedst me. In

these desires I underwent most bitter crosses, Thou being the more

gracious, the less Thou sufferedst aught to grow sweet to me, which was

not Thou. Behold my heart, O Lord, who wouldest I should remember all

this, and confess to Thee. Let my soul cleave unto Thee, now that Thou

hast freed it from that fast-holding birdlime of death. How wretched

was it! and Thou didst irritate the feeling of its wound, that

forsaking all else, it might be converted unto Thee, who art above all,

and without whom all things would be nothing; be converted, and be

healed. How miserable was I then, and how didst Thou deal with me, to

make me feel my misery on that day, when I was preparing to recite a

panegyric of the Emperor, wherein I was to utter many a lie, and lying,

was to be applauded by those who knew I lied, and my heart was panting

with these anxieties, and boiling with the feverishness of consuming

thoughts. For, passing through one of the streets of Milan, I observed

a poor beggar, then, I suppose, with a full belly, joking and joyous:

and I sighed, and spoke to the friends around me, of the many sorrows

of our frenzies; for that by all such efforts of ours, as those wherein

I then toiled dragging along, under the goading of desire, the burthen

of my own wretchedness, and, by dragging, augmenting it, we yet looked

to arrive only at that very joyousness whither that beggar-man had

arrived before us, who should never perchance attain it. For what he

had obtained by means of a few begged pence, the same was I plotting

for by many a toilsome turning and winding; the joy of a temporary

felicity. For he verily had not the true joy; but yet I with those my

ambitious designs was seeking one much less true. And certainly he was

joyous, I anxious; he void of care, I full of fears. But should any ask

me, had I rather be merry or fearful? I would answer merry. Again, if

he asked had I rather be such as he was, or what I then was? I should

choose to be myself, though worn with cares and fears; but out of wrong

judgment; for, was it the truth? For I ought not to prefer myself to

him, because more learned than he, seeing I had no joy therein, but

sought to please men by it; and that not to instruct, but simply to

please. Wherefore also Thou didst break my bones with the staff of Thy

correction.

Away with those then from my soul who say to her, "It makes a

difference whence a man's joy is. That beggar-man joyed in drunkenness;

Thou desiredst to joy in glory." What glory, Lord? That which is not in

Thee. For even as his was no true joy, so was that no true glory: and

it overthrew my soul more. He that very night should digest his

drunkenness; but I had slept and risen again with mine, and was to

sleep again, and again to rise with it, how many days, Thou, God,

knowest. But "it doth make a difference whence a man's joy is." I know

it, and the joy of a faithful hope lieth incomparably beyond such

vanity. Yea, and so was he then beyond me: for he verily was the

happier; not only for that he was thoroughly drenched in mirth, I

disembowelled with cares: but he, by fair wishes, had gotten wine; I,

by lying, was seeking for empty, swelling praise. Much to this purpose

said I then to my friends: and I often marked in them how it fared with

me; and I found it went ill with me, and grieved, and doubled that very

ill; and if any prosperity smiled on me, I was loth to catch at it, for

almost before I could grasp it, it flew away.

Chapter VII -He leads to reformation his friend Alypius, seized with madness for the Circensian games.

These things we, who were living as friends together, bemoaned

together, but chiefly and most familiarly did I speak thereof with

Alypius and Nebridius, of whom Alypius was born in the same town with

me, of persons of chief rank there, but younger than I. For he had

studied under me, both when I first lectured in our town, and

afterwards at Carthage, and he loved me much, because I seemed to him

kind, and learned; and I him, for his great towardliness to virtue,

which was eminent enough in one of no greater years. Yet the whirlpool

of Carthaginian habits (amongst whom those idle spectacles are hotly

followed) had drawn him into the madness of the Circus. But while he

was miserably tossed therein, and I, professing rhetoric there, had a

public school, as yet he used not my teaching, by reason of some

unkindness risen betwixt his father and me. I had found then how deadly

he doted upon the Circus, and was deeply grieved that he seemed likely,

nay, or had thrown away so great promise: yet had I no means of

advising or with a sort of constraint reclaiming him, either by the

kindness of a friend, or the authority of a master. For I supposed that

he thought of me as did his father; but he was not such; laying aside

then his father's mind in that matter, he began to greet me, come

sometimes into my lecture room, hear a little, and be gone.

I however had forgotten to deal with him, that he should not, through a

blind and headlong desire of vain pastimes, undo so good a wit. But

Thou, O Lord, who guidest the course of all Thou hast created, hadst

not forgotten him, who was one day to be among Thy children, Priest and

Dispenser of Thy Sacrament; and that his amendment might plainly be

attributed to Thyself, Thou effectedst it through me, unknowingly. For

as one day I sat in my accustomed place, with my scholars before me, he

entered, greeted me, sat down, and applied his mind to what I then

handled. I had by chance a passage in hand, which while I was

explaining, a likeness from the Circensian races occurred to me, as

likely to make what I would convey pleasanter and plainer, seasoned

with biting mockery of those whom that madness had enthralled; God,

Thou knowest that I then thought not of curing Alypius of that

infection. But he took it wholly to himself, and thought that I said it

simply for his sake. And whence another would have taken occasion of

offence with me, that right-minded youth took as a ground of being

offended at himself, and loving me more fervently. For Thou hadst said

it long ago, and put it into Thy book, Rebuke a wise man and he will

love Thee. But I had not rebuked him, but Thou, who employest all,

knowing or not knowing, in that order which Thyself knowest (and that

order is just), didst of my heart and tongue make burning coals, by

which to set on fire the hopeful mind, thus languishing, and so cure

it. Let him be silent in Thy praises, who considers not Thy mercies,

which confess unto Thee out of my inmost soul. For he upon that speech

burst out of that pit so deep, wherein he was wilfully plunged, and was

blinded with its wretched pastimes; and he shook his mind with a strong

self-command; whereupon all the filths of the Circensian pastimes flew

off from him, nor came he again thither. Upon this, he prevailed with

his unwilling father that he might be my scholar. He gave way, and gave

in. And Alypius beginning to be my hearer again, was involved in the

same superstition with me, loving in the Manichees that show of

continency which he supposed true and unfeigned. Whereas it was a

senseless and seducing continency, ensnaring precious souls, unable as

yet to reach the depth of virtue, yet readily beguiled with the surface

of what was but a shadowy and counterfeit virtue.

Chapter VIII -The same when at Rome, being led by others into the Amphitheatre, is delighted with the Gladitorial games.

He, not forsaking that secular course which his parents had charmed him

to pursue, had gone before me to Rome, to study law, and there he was

carried away incredibly with an incredible eagerness after the shows of

gladiators. For being utterly averse to and detesting spectacles, he

was one day by chance met by divers of his acquaintance and

fellow-students coming from dinner, and they with a familiar violence

haled him, vehemently refusing and resisting, into the Amphitheatre,

during these cruel and deadly shows, he thus protesting: "Though you

hale my body to that place, and there set me, can you force me also to

turn my mind or my eyes to those shows? I shall then be absent while

present, and so shall overcome both you and them." They, hearing this,

led him on nevertheless, desirous perchance to try that very thing,

whether he could do as he said. When they were come thither, and had

taken their places as they could, the whole place kindled with that

savage pastime. But he, closing the passage of his eyes, forbade his

mind to range abroad after such evil; and would he had stopped his ears

also! For in the fight, when one fell, a mighty cry of the whole people

striking him strongly, overcome by curiosity, and as if prepared to

despise and be superior to it whatsoever it were, even when seen, he

opened his eyes, and was stricken with a deeper wound in his soul than

the other, whom he desired to behold, was in his body; and he fell more

miserably than he upon whose fall that mighty noise was raised, which

entered through his ears, and unlocked his eyes, to make way for the

striking and beating down of a soul, bold rather than resolute, and the

weaker, in that it had presumed on itself, which ought to have relied

on Thee. For so soon as he saw that blood, he therewith drunk down

savageness; nor turned away, but fixed his eye, drinking in frenzy,

unawares, and was delighted with that guilty fight, and intoxicated

with the bloody pastime. Nor was he now the man he came, but one of the

throng he came unto, yea, a true associate of theirs that brought him

thither. Why say more? He beheld, shouted, kindled, carried thence with

him the madness which should goad him to return not only with them who

first drew him thither, but also before them, yea and to draw in

others. Yet thence didst Thou with a most strong and most merciful hand

pluck him, and taughtest him to have confidence not in himself, but in

Thee. But this was after.

Chapter IX -Innocent Alypius, being apprehended as a thief, is set at liberty by the cleverness of an architecht

But this was already being laid up in his memory to be a medicine

hereafter. So was that also, that when he was yet studying under me at

Carthage, and was thinking over at mid-day in the market-place what he

was to say by heart (as scholars use to practise), Thou sufferedst him

to be apprehended by the officers of the market-place for a thief. For

no other cause, I deem, didst Thou, our God, suffer it, but that he who

was hereafter to prove so great a man, should already begin to learn

that in judging of causes, man was not readily to be condemned by man

out of a rash credulity. For as he was walking up and down by himself

before the judgment-seat, with his note-book and pen, lo, a young man,

a lawyer, the real thief, privily bringing a hatchet, got in,

unperceived by Alypius, as far as the leaden gratings which fence in

the silversmiths' shops, and began to cut away the lead. But the noise

of the hatchet being heard, the silversmiths beneath began to make a

stir, and sent to apprehend whomever they should find. But he, hearing

their voices, ran away, leaving his hatchet, fearing to be taken with

it. Alypius now, who had not seen him enter, was aware of his going,

and saw with what speed he made away. And being desirous to know the

matter, entered the place; where finding the hatchet, he was standing,

wondering and considering it, when behold, those that had been sent,

find him alone with the hatchet in his hand, the noise whereof had

startled and brought them thither. They seize him, hale him away, and

gathering the dwellers in the market-place together, boast of having

taken a notorious thief, and so he was being led away to be taken

before the judge.

But thus far was Alypius to be instructed. For forthwith, O Lord, Thou

succouredst his innocency, whereof Thou alone wert witness. For as he

was being led either to prison or to punishment, a certain architect

met them, who had the chief charge of the public buildings. Glad they

were to meet him especially, by whom they were wont to be suspected of

stealing the goods lost out of the marketplace, as though to show him

at last by whom these thefts were committed. He, however, had divers

times seen Alypius at a certain senator's house, to whom he often went

to pay his respects; and recognising him immediately, took him aside by

the hand, and enquiring the occasion of so great a calamity, heard the

whole matter, and bade all present, amid much uproar and threats, to go

with him. So they came to the house of the young man who had done the

deed. There, before the door, was a boy so young as to be likely, not

apprehending any harm to his master, to disclose the whole. For he had

attended his master to the market-place. Whom so soon as Alypius

remembered, he told the architect: and he showing the hatchet to the

boy, asked him "Whose that was?" "Ours," quoth he presently: and being

further questioned, he discovered every thing. Thus the crime being

transferred to that house, and the multitude ashamed, which had begun

to insult over Alypius, he who was to be a dispenser of Thy Word, and

an examiner of many causes in Thy Church, went away better experienced

and instructed.

Chapter X -The wonderful integrity of Alypius in judgment. the lasting friendship of Nebridius with Augustin.

Him then I had found at Rome, and he clave to me by a most strong tie,

and went with me to Milan, both that he might not leave me, and might

practise something of the law he had studied, more to please his

parents than himself. There he had thrice sat as Assessor, with an

uncorruptness much wondered at by others, he wondering at others rather

who could prefer gold to honesty. His character was tried besides, not

only with the bait of covetousness, but with the goad of fear. At Rome

he was Assessor to the count of the Italian Treasury. There was at that

time a very powerful senator, to whose favours many stood indebted,

many much feared. He would needs, by his usual power, have a thing

allowed him which by the laws was unallowed. Alypius resisted it: a

bribe was promised; with all his heart he scorned it: threats were held

out; he trampled upon them: all wondering at so unwonted a spirit,

which neither desired the friendship, nor feared the enmity of one so

great and so mightily renowned for innumerable means of doing good or

evil. And the very judge, whose councillor Alypius was, although also

unwilling it should be, yet did not openly refuse, but put the matter

off upon Alypius, alleging that he would not allow him to do it: for in

truth had the judge done it, Alypius would have decided otherwise. With

this one thing in the way of learning was he well-nigh seduced, that he

might have books copied for him at Praetorian prices, but consulting

justice, he altered his deliberation for the better; esteeming equity

whereby he was hindered more gainful than the power whereby he were

allowed. These are slight things, but he that is faithful in little, is

faithful also in much. Nor can that any how be void, which proceeded

out of the mouth of Thy Truth: If ye have not been faithful in the

unrighteous Mammon, who will commit to your trust true riches? And if

ye have not been faithful in that which is another man's, who shall

give you that which is your own? He being such, did at that time cleave

to me, and with me wavered in purpose, what course of life was to be

taken.

Nebridius also, who having left his native country near Carthage, yea

and Carthage itself, where he had much lived, leaving his excellent

family-estate and house, and a mother behind, who was not to follow

him, had come to Milan, for no other reason but that with me he might

live in a most ardent search after truth and wisdom. Like me he sighed,

like me he wavered, an ardent searcher after true life, and a most

acute examiner of the most difficult questions. Thus were there the

mouths of three indigent persons, sighing out their wants one to

another, and waiting upon Thee that Thou mightest give them their meat

in due season. And in all the bitterness which by Thy mercy followed

our worldly affairs, as we looked towards the end, why we should suffer

all this, darkness met us; and we turned away groaning, and saying, How

long shall these things be? This too we often said; and so saying

forsook them not, for as yet there dawned nothing certain, which these

forsaken, we might embrace.

Chapter XI -Being troubled by his grievous errors, he meditates entering on a new life.

And I, viewing and reviewing things, most wondered at the length of

time from that my nineteenth year, wherein I had begun to kindle with

the desire of wisdom, settling when I had found her, to abandon all the

empty hopes and lying frenzies of vain desires. And lo, I was now in my

thirtieth year, sticking in the same mire, greedy of enjoying things

present, which passed away and wasted my soul; while I said to myself,

"Tomorrow I shall find it; it will appear manifestly and I shall grasp

it; lo, Faustus the Manichee will come, and clear every thing! O you

great men, ye Academicians, it is true then, that no certainty can be

attained for the ordering of life! Nay, let us search the more

diligently, and despair not. Lo, things in the ecclesiastical books are

not absurd to us now, which sometimes seemed absurd, and may be

otherwise taken, and in a good sense. I will take my stand, where, as a

child, my parents placed me, until the clear truth be found out. But

where shall it be sought or when? Ambrose has no leisure; we have no

leisure to read; where shall we find even the books? Whence, or when

procure them? from whom borrow them? Let set times be appointed, and

certain hours be ordered for the health of our soul. Great hope has

dawned; the Catholic Faith teaches not what we thought, and vainly

accused it of; her instructed members hold it profane to believe God to

be bounded by the figure of a human body: and do we doubt to knock,'

that the rest may be opened'? The forenoons our scholars take up; what

do we during the rest? Why not this? But when then pay we court to our

great friends, whose favour we need? When compose what we may sell to

scholars? When refresh ourselves, unbending our minds from this

intenseness of care?

"Perish every thing, dismiss we these empty vanities, and betake

ourselves to the one search for truth! Life is vain, death uncertain;

if it steals upon us on a sudden, in what state shall we depart hence?

and where shall we learn what here we have neglected? and shall we not

rather suffer the punishment of this negligence? What, if death itself

cut off and end all care and feeling? Then must this be ascertained.

But God forbid this! It is no vain and empty thing, that the excellent

dignity of the authority of the Christian Faith hath overspread the

whole world. Never would such and so great things be by God wrought for

us, if with the death of the body the life of the soul came to an end.

Wherefore delay then to abandon worldly hopes, and give ourselves

wholly to seek after God and the blessed life? But wait! Even those

things are pleasant; they have some, and no small sweetness. We must

not lightly abandon them, for it were a shame to return again to them.

See, it is no great matter now to obtain some station, and then what

should we more wish for? We have store of powerful friends; if nothing

else offer, and we be in much haste, at least a presidentship may be

given us: and a wife with some money, that she increase not our

charges: and this shall be the bound of desire. Many great men, and

most worthy of imitation, have given themselves to the study of wisdom

in the state of marriage.

While I went over these things, and these winds shifted and drove my

heart this way and that, time passed on, but I delayed to turn to the

Lord; and from day to day deferred to live in Thee, and deferred not

daily to die in myself. Loving a happy life, I feared it in its own

abode, and sought it, by fleeing from it. I thought I should be too

miserable, unless folded in female arms; and of the medicine of Thy

mercy to cure that infirmity I thought not, not having tried it. As for

continency, I supposed it to be in our own power (though in myself I

did not find that power), being so foolish as not to know what is

written, None can be continent unless Thou give it; and that Thou

wouldest give it, if with inward groanings I did knock at Thine ears,

and with a settled faith did cast my care on Thee.

Chapter XII -Discussion with Alypius concerning a life of celibacy.

Alypius indeed kept me from marrying; alleging that so could we by no

means with undistracted leisure live together in the love of wisdom, as

we had long desired. For himself was even then most pure in this point,

so that it was wonderful; and that the more, since in the outset of his

youth he had entered into that course, but had not stuck fast therein;

rather had he felt remorse and revolting at it, living thenceforth

until now most continently. But I opposed him with the examples of

those who as married men had cherished wisdom, and served God

acceptably, and retained their friends, and loved them faithfully. Of

whose greatness of spirit I was far short; and bound with the disease

of the flesh, and its deadly sweetness, drew along my chain, dreading

to be loosed, and as if my wound had been fretted, put back his good

persuasions, as it were the hand of one that would unchain me.

Moreover, by me did the serpent speak unto Alypius himself, by my

tongue weaving and laying in his path pleasurable snares, wherein his

virtuous and free feet might be entangled.

For when he wondered that I, whom he esteemed not slightly, should

stick so fast in the birdlime of that pleasure, as to protest (so oft

as we discussed it) that I could never lead a single life; and urged in

my defence when I saw him wonder, that there was great difference

between his momentary and scarce-remembered knowledge of that life,

which so he might easily despise, and my continued acquaintance whereto

if the honourable name of marriage were added, he ought not to wonder

why I could not contemn that course; he began also to desire to be

married; not as overcome with desire of such pleasure, but out of

curiosity. For he would fain know, he said, what that should be,

without which my life, to him so pleasing, would to me seem not life

but a punishment. For his mind, free from that chain, was amazed at my

thraldom; and through that amazement was going on to a desire of trying

it, thence to the trial itself, and thence perhaps to sink into that

bondage whereat he wondered, seeing he was willing to make a covenant

with death; and he that loves danger, shall fall into it. For whatever

honour there be in the office of well-ordering a married life, and a

family, moved us but slightly. But me for the most part the habit of

satisfying an insatiable appetite tormented, while it held me captive;

him, an admiring wonder was leading captive. So were we, until Thou, O

Most High, not forsaking our dust, commiserating us miserable, didst

come to our help, by wondrous and secret ways.

Chapter XIII -Being urged by his mother to take a wife, he sought a maiden that was pleasing unto him.

Continual effort was made to have me married. I wooed, I was promised,

chiefly through my mother's pains, that so once married, the

health-giving baptism might cleanse me, towards which she rejoiced that

I was being daily fitted, and observed that her prayers, and Thy

promises, were being fulfilled in my faith. At which time verily, both

at my request and her own longing, with strong cries of heart she daily

begged of Thee, that Thou wouldest by a vision discover unto her

something concerning my future marriage; Thou never wouldest. She saw

indeed certain vain and fantastic things, such as the energy of the

human spirit, busied thereon, brought together; and these she told me

of, not with that confidence she was wont, when Thou showedst her any

thing, but slighting them. For she could, she said, through a certain

feeling, which in words she could not express, discern betwixt Thy

revelations, and the dreams of her own soul. Yet the matter was pressed

on, and a maiden asked in marriage, two years under the fit age; and,

as pleasing, was waited for.

Chapter XIV -The design of establishing a common household with his friends is speedily hindered.

And many of us friends conferring about, and detesting the turbulent

turmoils of human life, had debated and now almost resolved on living

apart from business and the bustle of men; and this was to be thus

obtained; we were to bring whatever we might severally procure, and

make one household of all; so that through the truth of our friendship

nothing should belong especially to any; but the whole thus derived

from all, should as a whole belong to each, and all to all. We thought

there might be some often persons in this society; some of whom were

very rich, especially Romanianus our townsman, from childhood a very

familiar friend of mine, whom the grievous perplexities of his affairs

had brought up to court; who was the most earnest for this project; and

therein was his voice of great weight, because his ample estate far

exceeded any of the rest. We had settled also that two annual officers,

as it were, should provide all things necessary, the rest being

undisturbed. But when we began to consider whether the wives, which

some of us already had, others hoped to have, would allow this, all

that plan, which was being so well moulded, fell to pieces in our

hands, was utterly dashed and cast aside. Thence we betook us to sighs,

and groans, and our steps to follow the broad and beaten ways of the

world; for many thoughts were in our heart, but Thy counsel standeth

for ever. Out of which counsel Thou didst deride ours, and preparedst

Thine own; purposing to give us meat in due season, and to fill our

souls with blessing.

Chapter XV -He dismisses one mistress, and chooses another.

Meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and my concubine being torn

from my side as a hindrance to my marriage, my heart which clave unto

her was torn and wounded and bleeding. And she returned to Afric,

vowing unto Thee never to know any other man, leaving with me my son by

her. But unhappy I, who could not imitate a very woman, impatient of

delay, inasmuch as not till after two years was I to obtain her I

sought not being so much a lover of marriage as a slave to lust,

procured another, though no wife, that so by the servitude of an

enduring custom, the disease of my soul might be kept up and carried on

in its vigour, or even augmented, into the dominion of marriage. Nor

was that my wound cured, which had been made by the cutting away of the

former, but after inflammation and most acute pain, it mortified, and

my pains became less acute, but more desperate.

Chapter XVI -The fear of death and judgment called him, believing in the immortality of the soul, back from his wickedness, him who aforetime believed in the opinions of Epicurus.

To Thee be praise, glory to Thee, Fountain of mercies. I was becoming

more miserable, and Thou nearer. Thy right hand was continually ready

to pluck me out of the mire, and to wash me thoroughly, and I knew it

not; nor did anything call me back from a yet deeper gulf of carnal

pleasures, but the fear of death, and of Thy judgment to come; which

amid all my changes, never departed from my breast. And in my disputes

with my friends Alypius and Nebridius of the nature of good and evil, I

held that Epicurus had in my mind won the palm, had I not believed that

after death there remained a life for the soul, and places of requital

according to men's deserts, which Epicurus would not believe. And I

asked, "were we immortal, and to live in perpetual bodily pleasure,

without fear of losing it, why should we not be happy, or what else

should we seek?" not knowing that great misery was involved in this

very thing, that, being thus sunk and blinded, I could not discern that

light of excellence and beauty, to be embraced for its own sake, which

the eye of flesh cannot see, and is seen by the inner man. Nor did I,

unhappy, consider from what source it sprung, that even on these

things, foul as they were, I with pleasure discoursed with my friends,

nor could I, even according to the notions I then had of happiness, be

happy without friends, amid what abundance soever of carnal pleasures.

And yet these friends I loved for themselves only, and I felt that I

was beloved of them again for myself only.

O crooked paths! Woe to the audacious soul, which hoped, by forsaking

Thee, to gain some better thing! Turned it hath, and turned again, upon

back, sides, and belly, yet all was painful; and Thou alone rest. And

behold, Thou art at hand, and deliverest us from our wretched

wanderings, and placest us in Thy way, and dost comfort us, and say,

"Run; I will carry you; yea I will bring you through; there also will I

carry you."

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